If you could only see how old this band is...

So I'm melting my way to work and as I approach the building I see tents set up. This sparks my interest because I was told that they always have some sort of free event in front of our building, but since they started construction on the wobbly stones that tried to kill me out in front, I didn't think there'd be anything good this year. But alas! there were 2 tents and a stage by the Mix being put up! Excited, I hurried to my desk to find out who could be playing.

Better than Ezra. That's who's playing. Better than freaking Ezra is going to be playing at noon. Who? Who did you say Connie? Better than Ezra? Am I in a time warp? Did I just go back to 1997? No, you did not. And unfortunately I am not crazy, they are really playing. This angered me greatly, seeing as it is not 1997 and if I ever did have their tape or CD for them to sign, I probably threw it out oh, I don't know, in 1999? Who the hell do they think they are trying to stage a comeback? I started to get unexplainably annoyed, mainly because I could not for the life of me remember any of their songs. Go ahead, try to think of a Better than Ezra song right now....
....
....
you can't. And if you're thinking of any crappy song from the late 90s, I bet a million dollars you're thinking of that song that goes "if you can only see the way she loves me, maybe you will understand, blah blah blah". sorry- you loose. I looked that up almost certain it was one of their songs, but apparently it's by the band Tonic. Further annoyed, I then did what every red-blooded American does when they don't know the answer- I Googled it. That led me to Wikipedia, the most useful web tool ever. However even Wikipedia did not have much info, but that led me to their "hit" song A Lifetime, which I looked up the lyrics to and--nothing. No recollection. Then that website led me to their song Extraordinary and STILL nothing.

Deeply aggravated, I am at the point of staging a protest against the concert across the street so that people don't get sucked in thinking, "Oh, Better than Ezra, I know them" and being horribly misled once they start performing. I was even planning on calling the Spin Doctors and asking them if they'd come play that Two Princes song (you laugh, but I bet I could get them to come for $5 and free subway) just so people who were looking for a good 90s one hit wonder band could come across the street and find some real entertainment.

But alas, I could not let it go. So I did one more search and found the lyrics to Good:

Looking around the house
Hidden behind the window and the door
Searching for signs of life but there's nobody home
Well maybe I'm just too sure
And maybe I'm just too frightened by the sound of it
Pieces of note fall down but the letter said
Uh huh, it was good living with you
Uh huh, it was good, good, good, gooood

Which led me to this:

OHHHHHHHH, BETTER THAN EZZZZZRAAAAAA!

So now that I know WHO the hell they are, I'd still like to know what the hell they're doing outside my work, setting up and bothering me with their sound test. Honestly I probaly walked right past one of them in my sprint to the air conditioned building. I have mixed feelings now and am in between being annoyed by them for being so lame and attempting a comeback, or sorry for them because nobody knows them.

This isn't the only 90s one hit wonder band to come to Chicago. Have you seen the set list for the Taste? It includes Barenaked Ladies, Wallflowers and Counting Crows. Seriously?? When I first looked at it I was certain the Taste people accidentally put up the set list for 1999 instead of 2009. What's going on why are all these bands coming back? Don't get me wrong, I looooovvvved me some crappy one-hit-wonders. I remember listening to the radio and having my tape ready to hit 'record' the second one of these bands' songs would play. But that was a long time ago, before I had a job, before I could drink, BEFORE I COULD STAY OUT PAST 9PM. That's quite a long time ago.

So, although I don't condone these bands to live on because I think its wrong for bands to try to linger on once their fans can't even remeber what they sing, I will probably be listening to some Better than Ezra 'hits' today at the comfort of my desk.

Stay tuned next month for Collective Soul- no, seriously, that's who's playing next month. =/

Dear Kate

Dear Kate (and Jon, although I doubt he'll read this),

I am sorry to hear that on Monday's episode there is a possible chance of you announcing your divorce to your estranged husband. My deepest sympathies if this is the case. Through the years I have watched you struggle to put up with him and his ridiculous antics such as using incorrect pronouns, not getting the right outfits for the kids, driving the car the wrong way, and such other inforgiveable acts. While the world may think you are a vicious ball breaker, I have nothing but the upmost respect for you and your fight against spousal stupidity. And to think, you do it all with a modernized flock of seagulls haircut- and eight kids.

Which brings me to the purpose of my letter. While I know you are quite capable of handling eight children on your own, I think that with the recent vacancy in your house you might come to enjoy the lifestlye of not having 10 people in one household and may find yourself trying to find a way to unload a few more. Therefore, I would like to offer to take Aiden off your hands, free of charge. You might not know which one he is because unlike the viewers you do not have captions on the bottom of a screen with their names on them, but Aiden is the adorable boy with glasses. If necessary, I will also be willing to take one of the quieter girls, but Aiden is a must. And by no means will I take Maddie, she's all yours, although I suggest you ship her off with her father, just for one last dig.

If you were to agree to hand over Aiden, I assure you he would live a life of luxury. Currently, I still live at home, but I will try to find a place soon so he won't have to live with my sister, who smells. While I'm at work, he will be free to watch CABLE tv, eat whatever's in the fridge, and play with my dog Precie, althoguh sometimes she gets a bit grouchy and doesn't like to talk to people. However I'll make sure to feed her before I leave for work so she doesn't bite his cute, cute face off.

Please consider my offer and let me know what you think soon, because I'd like to show him off for the 4th of July. Good luck with the divorce and might I suggest demanding Jon's hair transplant to be taken back in the settlement, because after all it was your stomach that popped out all those kids.

Sincerely,

Cis4Connie

Bibidi Bobidi Boo

AC Slater (my bf who I've decided to give a code name to in case he becomes a prominent figure in the public eye one day and won't be linked to silly blogs- let me know if you'd like a cool code name as well!) informed me today, at 1:23 pm that we are attending his aunt's surprise bday party this evening and oh- by the way- its formal. WTF! Formal you say? That would have been nice to learn oh I don't know, earlier this week when you told me we'd be going! It's times like these when I could seriously use a fairy godmother to eliminate the process of frantically getting ready. So I've decided to blog about what I will be doing in the time from when I get home to the time I RUN out the door towards my car in hopes that we aren't walking in when the guest of honor arrives. My hope is that guys will understand a bit more of what it takes for us women to become beautiful and will hopefully lay off the riducle that comes w/ being late.

6:05- arrive home, throw purse, feed the dog (because despite my lack of time, the dog comes first) meanwhile I will be shreiking profanities at whoever will listen, which may very well in fact just be the dog

6:10-run upstairs, disrobing on the way, and jump into shower. Now since it's formal, this will involve shaving- as if simple bathing wasn't bothersome enough. Guys don't have this problem becuase although they have to shave, they do not have to make 1/2 they're body silky smooth. Also? Guys don't have long luxurious hair like I do and therefore they're shower time is cut down even more.

6:30ish- find something to wear. HAD I known about the formality of this event earlier I could have prepared, but alas, I am going to have to dig through my closet and say the rosary in hopes that all my nice dresses are not crumpled in a ball near my shoes which, let's face it, is most likely the case. If my nice black dress is on the floor, that only leaves me with option B which is a cute brown and light blue summer dress... that is, if it fits...

6:45- cry and scream about how I have nothing to wear and the dresses I do have make me look like a fat, ugly man. This- is inevitable and a must for the getting ready process.

6:50-resolve on a dress and paint my nails. Currently I have red nail polish on which will be fine if the crumpled up black dress is not on the floor, but if I am left with option B I will then have to repaint, which will take even more time and effort. On the plus side my only shoes (which I hope I can find) that go with option B only show my first two toes, which will cut out the painting my toes time by 60% (note- I needed to pull up the calculator for that one, then I had to look at the calculator to make sure I spelled it right, I am not smarter than a 5th grader). If I do not have to repaint, then I at least need to touch up the chips, becuase as my father once told me, only hookers have chipped paint on their nails (still not sure how he knows this...)

7:10-hair. Luckily this won't be too bad becasue I'm a pro at drying/straightening my hair, however I will be cursing myself for being lazy and not getting a haircut this week which would have cut my time down a bit. Tip: I like to do my makeup while the straightener is warming up. It saves about 1 minute of precious, precious time.

7:30-makeup. why do I feel as though whenever I'm going somewhere nice that I am a certified cosmetologist? I will most likely try something new which will make me look like a beginner transvestite, then I will have to wipe everything off and start fresh, thus losing my 1 minute gained.

7:45-jewelry, shoes, perfume, switching purses, etc. not too hard to do but time consuming when they're added together

7:55-I forgot to brush my teeth- opps.

8:00-out the door? not likely. If I forgot to type in where I'd be brushing my teeth, chances are I forget something even more important, its bound to happen.

And there you have it. What pray tell will AC Slater be doing in the meantime? I imagine pulling out his one suit, one pair of dress shoes, and putting them on. If he's feeling GQ he might pop in his contacts and sprinkle some water on his hair to tame it a bit. Why is it that guys get to wear suits? It seems 1000 times easier. Perhaps I'll wear men's suit tonight, it'd be a lot easier and I bet I could find a tie that matches my red nails.

Did I mention that the party starts at 6:30? FML.

In the beginning...

Here is my very first blog ever!- well, kind of. I started this up for a few reasons:

1. I miss the old times of livejournal and having an outlet to rant and tell stories of my ridiculous daily events like farting coworkers and why I felt the need to punch practically everyone I met in the face (with good reason).
2. My favorite author, Ms. Jen Lancaster started out blogging and is now a NY best selling author. I think I could be a NY best selling author, it sure beats selling my organs for a down payment on a condo, right?
3. It's been 6 years and 6 jobs later since I started working in an office, yet I have the same amount of free time at work as the days when I worked as an HR assistant filing for only 20 minutes a day in the tiny hole where my coworker kept his smelly gym clothes (some things you never get over).

So check in often and feel free to comment, as long as it's songs of praise and not mean- because as (insert cool fake name of boyfriend here) says, I can dish it out but I can't take it.

=D